Deep Thoughts
by Twilight Fading
Summary: Bobby and John think about each other and contemplate how things may have went differently if John hadn't left. Implied slash.
1. From Bobby to John

**Deep Thoughts**

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters and all that good stuff. But the idea for the story was my original idea.

_From Bobby to John._

I can't believe you're not here anymore, John. Sometimes it's hard waking up in the morning knowing you won't be the first person I see. It's harder knowing that you won't be the second, third, fourth, last, or any in between.

You hurt me so bad. But I don't hate you. I can never hate you, not even if you hated me, which I bet you probably do. I care about you more than you will ever know. Maybe if you had stayed, I would have had the opportunity to let you know. But you left. And you're never coming back. If you ever see me again, you'll probably try to kill me.

You can't imagine how terrible I felt when you left. I wasn't aware that as soon as you walked too far away from the jet for me to see, that that was the last time I would ever see you as John - my friend, the last time I would see you and not have to worry about you using your powers to hurt me. If I was aware, I would have tried to stop you, but I really thought you were going inside to help everyone else, and that I'd see you again in a short amount of time. But that didn't happen, did it? We were about to leave, and I started to panic, because you weren't there. Jean said you had gone with Magneto, and then I knew that you were gone forever. You may not be dead, and I'm grateful for that, but in a way you might as well be. You hate me now, and that hurts worse. But I would never want you dead, John.

When I knew you had gone with them, I wanted to cry. So bad. You can't even imagine. But I fought back those tears. I felt worse than I'd ever let anyone know. I was pretty silent for the trip back home. Most of the others because of Jean, of course I was upset about her sacrifice, too, but John, I never developed as much of a friendship with her as I did with you. Everyone was upset about the loss of Jean, and the loss of you. I think everyone held mixed feeling for you, though. Anger, betrayal, hurt, concern, worry.. me and Rogue specifically. Me especially.

I think I cried every night for two weeks since you left. Call me a cry baby all you want. You matter to me, John, even more than Rogue does. I know you're with the enemy now, but if we are to meet in battle, I could never kill you. Even if you could kill me, I couldn't do the same to you. I hope you wouldn't try to kill me. But if you did, I'd have to stop you. As much as I care about you, I wouldn't let you kill me.

If you were to return, I'd let you come back without a single questioning word. However, I don't think everyone else would be so forgiving.

Your bed. Sometimes I consider that my prized possession. Call me crazy if you will. Those nights that I can't sleep, I go to yours. Your bed is still painted with the sweet scent of you, and still as warm as if you had only just left and not a minute has passed since. I'm sometimes worried that eventually your aura will disappear from the bed, from the room. But it hasn't. I'm worried that if I keep sleeping where you used to sleep, that my own atmosphere will take over it. I don't want that. I don't even like Rogue sitting on your bed when she visits me in my room, and I don't want her to take your bed, either, although I don't think they allow that here. Which makes me somewhat grateful. I love Rogue, but she's got nothing on you.

I do wonder some things, though, John.. Why did you leave.. How COULD you leave, knowing you were leaving me? I know your home wasn't perfect, it wasn't by any means a decent life. Do you remember that night during the summer, we spent the dark hours talking about anything that would happen to jump into our mind? And we talked from 10 to 5? If I were to choose any day in my life as my favorite, I'd choose that one.. or those two, since we literally talked for two days.

I remember you told me about home.. how you felt that no one there loved you. Then you told me that you still felt like no one truely loved you - only liked you. I desperately wanted to prove you wrong. You were wrong John. You finally had some who loved you.

It was me. And I still do.


	2. From John to Bobby

**Deep Thoughts**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. But the idea of the story is my original idea.

_From John to Bobby._

There isn't a day that I don't wonder whether or not I made the right decision in leaving the X-Men to join the Brotherhood.. more specifically leaving you, Bobby. There are times that I consider leaving the Brotherhood to come back to the X-Men... to come back to you.

Bobby, you mean more to me than I would like to lead anyone on the believe. To put it truthfully, you're the only person I have ever cared about in my life. I know that doesn't make much sense to you, seeing as how I'm no longer there, but Magneto had promised me power. I felt that if I joined him, I could for once in my life feel power, and be able to use it without any restraints. I felt so powerless at home. My dad beating me constantly. I haven't felt so low. That highly contrasts to how I feel now. I guess you can blame it to how I was brought up.

I honestly don't know what to do in situations with people I care about.. it's like I said.. you were the one and only person I cared about.

I still do care about you, even now.

I never came across anyone who expressed concern for me when I was hurt or not feeling well. Never met anyone who actually listened to me, without being paid, that is.

I never had a friend before.

It's so lonely here. I don't have as nice of a bedroom as you have, or the one I used to have. I don't have anyone to get close to. Magneto is sort of like my father figure in a way, but not in a very close way. And Mystique, you could say is sort of like my sister. But I never can get close to them. Not like I was with you.

Sometimes I wondered if our friendship would ever be something more than that. I even had a dream about you sitting on the side of my bed and running your hand over my bare arm, and through my hair.. but I'm not totally sure that was a dream.

I wish there were some way I could let you know how I feel about you, Bobby.. but there just isn't any way. Not anymore.

Having power wasn't the only reason I left. I knew you loved her. Rogue. I knew there was no way I'd be able to take her place. She had taken mine, and then some. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I wasn't disgusted. I was jealous. I felt betrayed. I felt robbed. I guess you could say it sent me over the edge. That doesn't mean I hate you, Bobby. I could never hate you personally. You can piss me off and annoy me sometimes, but you could never make me hate you.

As soon as I left the jet, I felt like breaking down and crying. I felt like doing it right there in the jet with you guys. But, I tend to lead others to believe the opposite. I'm always doing that. I guess it's just the way I am. Maybe that's why you were never mine. If I hadn't thrown you off, maybe we could both be in different places right now. Together.

It's inevitable that we'll have to one day fight eachother. Despite what I lead other people on to believe, I dread for that day to come.

If we are ever put in a situation in which we're forced to kill eachother, I pray you'll kill me first. Maybe that's the only way I'll ever be able to show you how much I cared.

I don't like using the word 'care' to describe how I feel towards you.

I think it'd be more accurate if I were to use the word 'love'.


	3. Redemption

**Deep Thoughts**

A/N: Well, I originally intended for Deep Thoughts to be a two parter introspective on John and Bobby's thoughts, but I felt that the story needed closure, and along with your comments, this final part has come to be. This is actually sort of broken up into two parts. This is the only part of the story that's not just John or Bobby thinking, it's actually happening. It's basically like a short story in itself.

I'm sorry for the delay in updates. was giving me trouble in submitting, but I've worked it out.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. But the idea of the story is my original idea.

_Redemption_

A considerable amount of time has passed since the events at Alcatraz. A lot has changed since then, but some things have remained the same. Namely the unspoken feelings that Bobby Drake and John Allerdyce share for eachother. They were right. No amount of emotional strain changed anything between them. And there was a lot of that tension present. In the end, Bobby saved John's life before Jean Grey disintegrated everything in the radius of the island. Bobby knew that if he hadn't carried him away, John would have been gone.

Several months later, Bobby still can't stop thinking about John. And John occupied Bobby's mind even moreso now. The pressure that John's body exerted on Bobby's arms as he carried his unconscious body to safety still seemed to linger there, like he's still carrying him. But where is he carrying him to? When will John wake up? Now Bobby's worst fear is that John will never wake up. Bobby's thought breaks and he realizes he's standing in his room with his arms laid out in front of him. He wishes he really was still carrying John. He wanted to clutch his body close to his own and feel the warmth that John radiated more and more with every beat of his heart. He could feel John's heartbeat that night when he saved him. Even with all the stress and tension of the surrounding chaos, even if he felt nothing else, not even his own pulse, he could feel John's. Reminding him that even though John was with the enemy now, that he was still a living, breathing human being who has a heart. Who has feelings. Who can feel happiness and sadness, and anger. Who felt overwhelmed at times, who laughed, and who cried. And most of all, who could love.

Unknown to Bobby and the others, but if they were to take a wild guess, they'd probably get it right, the Brotherhood disbanded, which left each of the mutants to fend for themselves. Namely John. It left him with a scared feeling. He had nowhere to go. Of course, John being John, he wouldn't let people see this. The hideout the Brotherhood occupied thinned out. The mutants had found other places to stay, other alignments to align with. John had nothing and no one. He knew that he wouldn't be able to survive forever in an abandoned hideout. He reluctantly came to the decision of crawling back to the mansion, at least that's how he saw it. It was either swallow his pride and take his chance at being able to come back, or not even bother and end up dying on the streets. John didn't want to die. He was scared of dying. Ironic as it may sound, since he's hurt many innocent people with his fire, he was scared of dying, and he had so much left he wanted to experience.

Little did Bobby know that as he was reliving the moment that he held John in his arms, that very person was on his way back. John couldn't say he wasn't nervous as every step took him closer to the mansion. It had been pouring all day. John hated the rain. He was clad in dark clothes, with a hood over his head. Unfortunately his clothes didn't protect him much from getting wet. His dyed blonde hair no longer stood up in spikes as the rain made it fall over his forehead and stick there. He finally made it. He stood still for the first time in hours staring up at the mansion, before asking - begging for his return. Hoping to regain trust. Especially Bobby's. John shook heavily as he stood still. He was freezing from the cold rain, which didn't help his nerves at all. His heart was pounding in his chest as he walked up the steps, to the front door and knocked.

Ororo, puzzled and in wonder who would be visiting the mansion and in weather such as this, answered the door. She was shocked to see John in front of the door, wrapping himself in his arms, struggling to keep warm, with a submissive look on his face. Had any other resident of the mansion answered the door, with the except of Iceman of course, John would have gotten a door slammed in his face at best, but Ororo exhibited maturity and tried to see the best in everyone.

"John?" Ororo asked in a worried tone.

"Y-yeah.. it's.. it's me.." John answered in a shaky, yet quiet voice, as if he didn't want anyone else to know he was there.

"Come in, let's get you dried off." Ororo said finally, almost as if John's betrayal had never occurred. With that, John had walked into the mansion, knowing full well that he wasn't home free, yet. Ororo placed her arm around John's shoulder in concern as she led him inside to a private room where no students would be able to find him on accident and cause panic in the house.

Ororo found him a change of clothes, which John replaced with his soaking ones. She was surprised to see John 'disarmed'. She supplied him with a towel to dry himself off with, as he went into the bathroom to change. Not too much longer, he was back inside the main room where Ororo was sitting in a chair. He knew that him and her would eventually have to talk things through. He knew she wasn't going to just let him come back and stay without doing so. John wished somewhat that Ororo could read minds, so he wouldn't have to go through explaining things, but he figured it'd still be better to talk about what he wanted to do. He was at least thankful he wasn't talking to Wolverine.

An awkward silence ensued as John and Ororo sat in silence with each other in the private room.

"So.. John.. why have you come back to the mansion? Well, first off.. why did you leave?" She knew there really was no easy way to start this conversation off, so she just started it the first way that came to mind. This wouldn't be easy. John unfortunately didn't know exactly what to say, and he was afraid if he said the wrong thing, or something came out the wrong way, he'd be back outside in the rain.

"I.. I'm not sure exactly why I left.." He said, staring at the floor. "I guess I felt like Magneto could offer me more if I went with him. I felt like I was being held back when I was here. With Magneto, I felt that he could teach me more." John felt like telling the truth might get him somewhere with Ororo.

"And did you learn more?" Ororo asked John, who was still not making eye contact with her. After some hesitation, he answered.

"Yeah.. I learned that I was wrong. Wrong about Magneto and how I went about gaining freedom. The X-Men and the Brotherhood, we all fought for the same thing. But.. the way we fought for it was different. I see now that Magneto's way wasn't the right way. Back when I was here the first time, I thought Magneto's method would be quicker way for me to finally experience acception and power. But, now I know that I was wrong. All the Brotherhood did was push back all the progress the X-Men has done in fighting for equality, and ironically, what the Brotherhood was fighting for, too. It's like Professor Xavier said.. power corrupts, and I guess I was too corrupted to see that I was wrong." He looked up to meet Ororo's eyes before finishing his answer. "That's what I learned, Miss Munroe."

Ororo was quite satisfied with the answer John gave her, especially since he pretty much answered her initial question as well. Ororo may not possess the amazing psychic powers that Jean or Xavier did, but her intuition led her to give John some trust, but she knew not to give him too much of that trust, just to be safe. She avoided spilling her own personal feelings on John. She knew that it would make the situation worse for him, and she herself didn't want to think about his betrayal. She knew that John fully realized that he betrayed the X-Men and everyone at the mansion, and that regaining the trust of everyone wasn't going to be easy.

John wanted to be thorough in why he came back, however.

"I know that I really screwed up. Bad. And.. that I don't even deserve to be in this building, or your hospitality, or even your listening to me now. I really do feel like I learned a lesson, and like I said, I was wrong. I know that I hurt a lot of people. I just really want a second chance. I didn't realize what I had until I no longer had it." There was definitely more courage in John's voice by now, he sounded more sure of himself.

"Well, John, you really did hurt us here, and regaining the trust the students, your peers, and the adults here will take some time. But.. if you're willing to put forth the effort, and stay true to your word that you will never do such a thing again, then I'm willing to give you a second chance - a clean slate. Do we have a deal?" This left John speechless, he really didn't believe that he had actually gotten a second chance, he fought back from showing just how happy he was and retained composure.

"We have a deal, Miss Munroe. I really can't thank you enough, I wasn't expecting to be let back in here." John smiled for the first time in a long time. Ororo smiled back.

"Well, just so long as you remember our deal, then everything will be fine. But, we'll have to work up to letting you be able to use your powers here again. Just to be safe." She didn't want to give him the idea that she was a push over, while still not trying to be too hard on him.

"That's fine, and I won't forget our deal, either!"

"Welcome back, John." Ororo stood up and gave him a hug, showing him that he has been given a second chance. He hugged her back, he can honestly say it's the first hug he's ever received. It was a nice feeling to be trusted and be accepted, and this time, he wouldn't screw it up.

As they pulled away from the embrace, Ororo explained how things would go.

"I'll set up a bedroom for you in one of the spare rooms until I find a permanent room for you to stay in, which means I'll have to let everyone know that you're back in and to trust you. But you know that that's a two way street." She explained as she rummaged through the closet, finding some sheets.

"I know.. Uhm.. Is.. my old room still open? The one I used to share with Bobby Drake?" John asked, that unsureness back in his voice.

Ororo stopped for a second to look at him, and then resumed what she was doing before continuing.

"Yes, the bed in there is still vacant. Do you wish to have your old room back? That would help me a lot, finding a room isn't so easy with all the new students coming in." John was ecstatic to hear this, he was happy he didn't wait a single day more in coming back, and wished he would have come back sooner. Moreso does he wish that he had never left.

"Uh, yeah! That's cool. I'd like to have my old room back." As always, trying not to sound too excited.

"Well, that can be arranged. But, John, it may take a while, you know, for Bobby to feel comfortable with you around again. But, until then, you can stay in this room. Follow me." She said as she left the room where they originally were, and led him down the hallway to another room.

It was bare, white walls with a wooden closet and some drawers. A lone window near the bed where John would sleep for a few days. He wasn't complaining. He had received another chance to redeem himself, and this was a much better sleeping arrangement than when he was with the Brotherhood. Water washed down the window. Night had fallen since he arrived.

"I just want to say this again, that this whole thing will take time. It will take time for things to be back to normal, especially for you. You're going to need to prove to everyone that you're here for the long haul and that you won't betray them again. Others may not be as forgiving as I am. I just wanted to make sure you understand that." Ororo warned.

"I'm willing to take that chance, to prove to everyone that I won't hurt them anymore, and that I'm a new person." John said, "There's just one thing." He asks.

"What is it?"

"Is it alright if I speak to Bobby, please? Just him, no one else. It's really important. I just need to say something to him, he was my best friend when I left here.." John was in desperate need to see Bobby.

"I'll let him know that you want to speak with him, and then I'll send you up." Ororo told him. "Wait in your bedroom for now, I'll be right back." John obediently went back to his room and waited. A few moments later she walks into the room. "Bobby will see you now, he's in his room. Try not to let anyone else see you, though. I've told Bobby that he's the only one to know that you're here."

"Thank you, Miss Munroe, really." He said gratefully, as he walked out of the room and headed for Bobby's room.


	4. Face to face

**Deep Thoughts**

A/N: Well, I originally intended for Deep Thoughts to be a two parter introspective on John and Bobby's thoughts, but I felt that the story needed closure, and along with your comments, this final part has come to be. This is actually sort of broken up into two parts. This is the only part of the story that's not just John or Bobby thinking, it's actually happening. It's basically like a short story in itself.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. But the idea of the story is my original idea.

_Face to face_

The familiar feeling rose up in John like the fire he so talentedly controlled. The same feeling of nervousness that welled up inside him the moments pending his arrival to the mansion. The closer he got to Bobby's room, the more his heart pounded. He was worried as it is to be accepted back to the school, but now being accepted back into Bobby's life was a whole other story. He looked at the door to Bobby's room, to his former room, which would hopefully be his again someday soon. He was inside waiting for him. He wondered what Bobby was thinking right now.

He rose his fist up to the door and pounded on the door weakly, lacking any sort of confidence, and also not wanting to alert anyone else to his presence.

"Come in." was heard. It lacked any sort of emotion, but John did recognize the voice. Taking one last deep breath, he turned the door handle and let himself in. He was back in his old room. It had been so long since he last seen it. Everything was the same, pretty much, which unknown to John, said a lot about Bobby and what feelings he held for him. He gently closed the door behind him. Bobby was sitting on the edge of his bed staring out the rain drenched window in the dark. For a minute, they were both in absolute silence, save the the rumble of thunder that came from the outside world.

Silence was broken. "Miss Munroe tells me you've come back.. and that you wanted to talk to me." Bobby said finally, his gaze unmoving from the window.

"Yeah.. I have.. and I do.." came John's voice from the opposite end of the room. His voice sounded so weak and uncharacteristic to Bobby. John's voice so full of confidence and cockiness was replaced by him sounding so submissive and timid. But Bobby knew someone in John's position wouldn't have that tone of voice. He knew John had to play a contrasting tune to his normal self to convince even Ororo to let him back into the school.

"You have something to say to me? Well.. I have something to say to you, too, John." Bobby stood up and turned around to face John. He truly was a chameleon of appearances. John used to have brown hair slicked back, and he dressed in casual clothes. During the Alcatraz incident, John's hair had been dyed to blonde, and stuck up as if his head was on fire, almost as if his hair was dyed by the very fire that John could manipulate, and wore shady clothes, just like the rebel he was. Now his hair still contained that new fiery blonde color, but the spikes had fallen, and his soft hair draped over his face, he was wearing a plain white t-shirt and some baggy pajama-looking pants. Bobby admitted in his mind that John has always been an attractive guy to him, in more aspects than one, and he even looked pretty cute the way he did right now, in his room, but he had to relinquish his feelings to him now.

"How could you, John?" He said simply, "How could you leave me.. us behind like that?" He struggled not to break into a louder voice, but it was hard.

"Bobby, I needed to leave to find myself." John stated.

"So what? You found yourself now? Is that why you're back, John? Or did you realize that you had it so good here, that you decided to come back?" The anger and hurt becoming apparent in Bobby's voice. John can't say that he wasn't expecting hostility.

"Look, I was wrong, okay? I know I was wrong, and stupid in leaving this place. I should have never left!" John admitted his voice rising.

"That's right, you shouldn't!" He just wouldn't let John off the hook for that. "You're lucky that Miss Munroe let you back, you're lucky she's the one that gets to decide that and not me, because if I were the one making that decision, I would have kicked your ass back out onto the streets!" That was the biggest lie, and Bobby was fully aware of it. John hurt him so bad that he was trying to hurt John back. He didn't really have any control over his words as of now. His emotions had taken over.

It seems as though Bobby's heated words have scared off the timid, thankful John, and awoken the angry John, for the time being, anyway.

"You know what? I am TRYING to redeem myself here, but you won't even listen to me!" By now, John had forgotten that he wasn't supposed to let anyone know he was there.

"What do you expect? A welcoming committee? John! You tried to kill us, only after totally betraying us, and on top of that, you tried to fry me to death! And here you are expecting forgiveness. What the hell, man?" Bobby and John's emotions were running dangerously high at this point.

"I know! I know that what I did was the worst thing anyone could have done! And that I was a fucking dumbass for doing it! I know that I don't even deserve to be in the same room with you! I don't know what was wrong with me! I just wanted, for once in my goddamn life, to be accepted, and to feel like I had power. You know, to feel like I MATTERED! Magneto promised me these things, and I didn't see that happening if I were to stay here, so I went with him! But I was wrong, and I realize I was so stupid to go to the Brotherhood, but I've changed, Bobby. And I was hoping that- that we could be friends again!" John's voice started breaking midway in the sentence. His anger-filled excuse for leaving was mixed in with sorrow as burning tears streamed down his face.

"When you left.." Bobby started, his voice giving way to relived sad memories, "I wanted to die, because I thought that I would never see you again.. and what's worse is that I knew I would see you again, as my enemy. Goddammit, John. You didn't have to leave. Did you ever stop and think that maybe you mattered to ME?" Both boys were now sobbing quietly in their argument. John hesitated as he struggled hard not to break down right then and there.

"It didn't take me long to realize what I did was a mistake.." He choked up as he finished talking. His flooded eyes gleamed in the lights coming from outside, which were the only lights illuminating the room, the path left behind the tears that rolled down his face also shined. He took in an audible, shaky breath and turned to Bobby. "..Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't feel like I mattered to you anymore since you had her.." By now, John was sitting on his old bed, and Bobby on his own, and they had full eye contact. Neither boy could clearly see the other through the blurry vision.

Bobby had a hard time regaining his composure after hearing this, after hearing that he was the indirect reason of John leaving him. He finally worked up to the point where he could talk again. "Rogue.. I love her so much.." A silence ensued before he continued, "But, John, you matter more to me than anyone I ever knew. Even when you're throwing burning vehicles at me, I still considered you my best friend."

"Bobby, you were the first and only person in the world who was ever really someone I ever really .. loved.." The word 'love' caught Bobby's attention, and John may have been more aprehensive to use such a truthful word if his emotions were any less raw than they were now. "But.. seeing you and Rogue with each other was too hard for me, and that was one of the things that made me want to leave."

"Rogue could never, ever replace you, John. I love you, too, and Rogue could never take your place in my heart." John looked over at Bobby and smiled as more tears came to his eyes.

"Bobby, I'm so sorry I did this. I'm so sorry.." Bobby returned the smile to John upon hearing this, but a flood of emotion turned it back into a frown. His vision was so blurred, he couldn't see.

"Don't you ever leave me again, John Allerdyce!" Bobby got off his bed and practically ran to John's. The two didn't hesitate to wrap the other in a tight embrace. The two sobbed more together. "I missed you so much!" John said, through a muffle voice. The two held eachother for what seemed like forever. Eventually, they fell asleep together on John's bed.

The rain soon passed, and a bright blue moon shone through the glossy, wet window. Hours passed, as each boy received a full night's sleep. Something neither of them had experienced since the other was cut out of their life.

The moon light was soon replaced by sunlight. The sun burned on Bobby's eyes and he slowly woke up.

John was still fast asleep, and Bobby smiled a genuine smile at him, because John was the first person he saw that morning.


End file.
